i just wish i was a better writer. i feel this same way about music, too. actually, i mostly feel this way about music. i'm afraid to start writing music, because i feel like every artist goes through a stage that i like to affectionately call the "this-is-my-early-stuff-and-it's-not-that-good, but-now-i'm-over-that-and-i-write-good-music" stage. it can even be further expanded to "i-don't-ever-really-talk-about-these-songs-or-play-them, they-were-just-my-learning-experience". growing pains. see, a lot of artists get through that stage early. ideally, i would have liked to go through that stage when i was 17 or 18, and it wouldn't have really distracted anyone from my super awkwardness. but like...if i go through it now, when i have a lot more friends, it'll be embarrassing.
the biggest reason i don't write music though, is that i really don't think i have anything interesting to say. well, maybe some things are mildly interesting, but i'm not good at saying them interestingly. i feel like everything i have to say has already been said. what's more, i feel like everything i have to say has already been said in a more interesting way than i ever could have said it. so, why try to fix what's not broken? the whole thing seems so daunting to me. because i've been spoiled by such wonderful singer/songwriters (patty griffin, sufjan stevens, thom yorke, dave matthews, karen peris, sam beam, just to name a few), i feel like what i write is puny and stupid. not to mention having to write great lyrics and a great melody and a great chord progression, etc. i just want it to be simple. and people tell me it is, but i want it to be simple to me.
so, until then, i remain an illegitimate musician. until then, i will forever introduce songs by saying "and here's another one i didn't write..." and people will laugh and i will laugh, but i'll feel a small pang of disappointment. it's not that i feel like i have so much inside me that i need to get out.
that's just it. i don't. and that's weird. right?