Sunday, September 28, 2008

i get so jealous i can't even work

fact: i check postsecret every sunday morning to read the updated secrets. 

fact: every week, i see at least one that could be applied to me and i wonder if he sends them. 

i don't know if that would make it harder or easier.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

hey when she sings, when she sings, when she sings like she runs

so i'm still stuck in my strange rut. i think i'm well on my way to finally being able to climb out, which i'm excited about, but it's just a matter of getting there. 

one of the people i'd been avoiding/had been avoiding me finally talked to me last night, after more than 3 months of not talking at all. let's call him...jake. basically i'd been pestering jake to talk to me since we'd gotten back to school after our relationship came to a screeching halt in june. jake told me i need to move on and stop thinking about him. see, i still would love to be with jake, but jake thinks he is unworthy, which wasn't a good enough reason for me to not be together. but as it turns out, jake was right. i need to stop thinking about him and wishing i could be with him, because he is unworthy. 

which sucks.

so i gave myself a goal, with the help of catherine on skype: i'm giving myself 24 hours to feel sorry for myself, and then i need to get over it and move on. so, i have until 12:15 tomorrow morning to whine about it, and then i need to be finished. i've been in a generally good mood all day, so that shouldn't be too hard. while i am sad that things didn't work out the way i really, really wanted them to, that's one less things to be thinking about all the time. i blocked him on ichat (i know, right? it's so 7th grade!), and i deleted his number in my phone. i'm feeling pretty good about it, it was always just hanging over my head because it never reached a definite end. now that it has, i have enough closure to move on.

i hope. 

moving on (metaphorically speaking), our very own catherine marie shepherd got skype. finally. which means that i can now see her pretty face basically any time i want to. it has been such a big blessing to be able to video chat with alex basically every night, and i'm excited to be able to do the same with catherine. these girls are really incredible, and i am so thankful for everything they are. they make me hopeful for who i can be, and they motivate me to be more compassionate and selfless. i appreciate so much their hearts, and the fact that they found enough room in them for me. 

after my hellish first week of school, i was very prepared for the weekend. on saturday, kayla and i headed down to norman to have lunch with brogan and hang with her for a little bit. that was a fantastic visit; i'm so thankful for brogan's amazing and beautiful spirit. she will change the world someday, i think. 

then on sunday, some of our friends from OSU came to edmond to hang out with us. this weekend was absolutely a blessing from God Himself. i've been trying to wean myself off of camp relationships so it'd be easier for me to settle in at OC, and it has been very hard. i am so thankful for my camp family. they keep me sane, and they remind me what my life should be all about; loving people.

God is really working on me, friends. i know His hand is in everything that's going on in my life, and i am comforted in that fact. it's so easy for me to see it as the 's*** hitting the fan', as i have been, but i need to trust more in God and His timing. He will make all things beautiful; He will make all this beautiful in His time. although i hit rock-bottom daily, i still struggle to let Him lift me up. i truly covet your prayers for me and my heart. i pray i do not become more calloused and pessimistic as i currently am, and that the sun comes out in my heart.