Monday, October 20, 2008

she may turn around

things are turning around. 

it's incredible what gets accomplished when you stop trying to control everything and put all your trust and faith in the Father. it's funny that before this, i haven't seen this storm in my life as a trust issue. 

for the longest time, i was blaming all of it on people; it was patrick's fault that i was broken-hearted, it was ian's fault i was afraid of commitment, it was neil arter's fault that i had no outlet for my music, it was OC's theatre department's fault that i'm never on stage, etc. etc. 

after a lot of soul-searching and talking it out, i realized that the root of my problem was that i wasn't trusting God to take care of me. i was trying to control every little thing in my life so that it would go my way, when God's plan was completely different than anything i could have planned. i kept looking and looking for what the problem was, and i couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. i didn't know what to pray for. through talking with people (namely amanda peery), it came to my attention that it was a trust issue. this new discovery has changed everything. now that i had figured out the cause for my grief, i began to look for God in every aspect of this new and scary chapter in my life. and i couldn't find Him. i looked and looked and looked, but He was nowhere that i was looking. i looked in all the usual places where He usually is, but He wasn't there. 

it wasn't until i was at the 8th rock bottom i've hit in the last 3 months that He found me. once i was quiet and still and stopped trying to control everything that He became 'present' to me (rather, i began noticing that He was there the whole time). the way He has tied up loose ends and brought about healing is like nothing i would have planned for myself. 

i've always said of the storms in my life "the only way i know God is working in this situation is that i have NO idea what's happening", and that sentiment could not be more true in this case. God and His peace found me where i was - absolutely and completely broken in two - and gave me the strength and courage to act. to initiate. to be humble in His sight, and in the sight of people whose opinions of me have hitherto shaped my attitude and purpose. He gave me the insight to accept the end of some things, the peace to let go, the humility to let Him put my heart back together. 

you see, i had given a big part of my heart away to somebody a long time ago. i gave it freely and unselfishly. therefore, there has been an emptiness in me for a long time, as the love i had given away was never sufficiently reciprocated. my pride has kept me from asking for that part of my heart back for a long time. in His divine perfection, God has provided incredible strength and opportunity to ask for that portion of my soul that was given away. this piece of me; this love that has defined me for so long, is not his anymore. who better to give it to for healing than to The One who knew me before i was made? The One who knew me in my mother's arms, The One who called my name? The One who has made a crown for me; who knows my words before they are written? The One who wears my clothes as i wear them? The One who has a design to what He did and said? 

so i have given our Lord what has been rightfully His since my birth. i gave back that part of me that i thought was better off in the hands of a man, and it has been the most terrifying thing of my life. but God is faithful. His perfect hands are holding my heart while it heals; He is gently and perfectly bandaging the lies, He tenderly stitches up the holes that occurred from months of silence, He softly removes the thorns of insincerity and insecurity and selfishness that have for so long been present, planting in their place seeds of forgiveness. 

He is faithful. He is perfect. His grace is sufficient. He is the Best Man. and i trust Him.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

maybe i was born to hold you in these arms...

...or maybe i wasn't.


i'm a closure girl, so the closure you've given me is fantastic. i now can finally (and by finally, i mean FINALLY...i mean seriously...FINALLY) begin the healing process. 

no, it wasn't really the ideal answer, but it was an answer nonetheless. 

now that the healing's begun, i'm excited to move on. 

i'm sure i'll fall out of love with you sooner or later. maybe i can even be your friend. 

after all, i have missed you.