love is a tired symphony you hum when you're awake

so if you've had any kind of interaction with me in the last month, you'll most likely remember me bellyaching about not wanting to go back to school. that's the most common refrain these days, mostly because the most common question i get is either so when are you going back? or why aren't you back yet? hasn't school started already?

to the latter, i answer no, it starts the first.

of september? labor day?

yes.

you mean you don't get labor day off?

then i explain to the very confused church member or friend from high school, etc. the system OC has (that i still do not even remotely understand). i explain that OC doesn't let us off for one-day holidays like labor day and presidents day and things like that, and that that fact somehow contributes to the fact that our spring classes are over in the middle of april, and the fact that we go back about a week before everybody else in january also contributes to this. i act like it makes sense to me, when in all actuality, i have NO idea how OC can start in late august or september, end at normal time in december, begin the second week of january, and end weeks before my friends in state schools get out of school. i mean, we still get a fall break and a full spring break and everything, yet we're always out of school so early in april, leaving me a month to hang out at home and do nothing before school starts, much like i've been doing for the last month since camp's been over. 

but hey, i won't fight it i suppose.

anyway. school. anyone who has lived at home for a summer after having spent any time in college not living at home knows what i mean when i say i'm absolutely climbing up the walls at home. it's not that i don't like my parents or enjoy their company, but after a certain point, that's exactly THAT. it's nothing they did, it's nothing i did, i've just been living with them for 4 months, and it's driving me insane. it's nothing personal. and since i'm the last child of 3, they understand this restlessness too, but not enough to not make me feel guilty about it. so there's that.

usually when people talk to me about school, they'll say well, why has (insert name of OC student they know or are related to) already moved back in? 

to which my response is:

oh, i just don't want to move back in yet. i'm not in a big hurry.

which they take as a statement that means that i don't like OC enough to go back early. which is true in some ways, false in others.

the truth is, i like who i am at camp and around my camp friends more than i like who i am at OC. there's an authenticity that comes out when you spend 8 hours in the sun all day with children that you just can't replicate elsewhere. i realize that sounds like a cop-out, and maybe it is. i'm not saying that only people at OC are fake; you're going to find fake people everywhere. i'm not even going so far as to say that it's 'fakeness' that turns me off at OC. it's not even that bad. there's just something genuine i've found in the end of the camp day when we all come in for staff meeting, and we're all saying with our actions:

i'm hot, i'm sweaty, i had a kid with a mental condition freak out today and rub himself all over with poison ivy, i'm exhausted, i'm not in the best mood, etc. this is me; take me or leave me.

and we take each other. we understand it. all this isn't my way of saying 'my camp friends are cooler and better than my OC friends', but it's just different. i was talking to my mom the other day, and i was trying to explain to her that i act differently around OC than i do at camp, and that it's not because i'm consciously trying to be a different person or anything, i just can't do certain things at OC that i do at camp because they're not socially acceptable around my peers like they are around a bunch of 7-year olds. it's not that i don't want that kind of connection with my OC friends; i strive for that connection with everybody i meet. the opportunity though, that's what is missing from my relationship with OC.

i meant for this blog to be about how i was finally excited about going back to school. so here's that.

i got coffee with catherine the other day and i was explaining the 'being sick of being at home' business, and she was like well, you should just go back sometime this week. like...before friday. 

so i thought about that. and that sounded like a good idea. i'd just take a load of stuff down there earlier in the week (which would totally be a ploy for seeing all my friends) and come back to tulsa, then come back friday to move the rest of my stuff in and stay.

sooooooooo yesterday me and my mom got a load of stuff together and went to OC. we checked me in to my apartment and hung out there for a little bit, then i went around and saw people in their apartments. me and taylor stopped in jonathan's apartment, went to baileykayleekayla&abigail's apartment, went to molly&christy's apartment, went to carlameaganlaura&sarah's apartment, saw susan and lindley, saw kim and seth, it was a lot of fun. i learned a lot of things from yesterday:

1) apartment life is going to be really fun. more fun, i hope, than dorm life. 

2) no one lives in phase v except for seniors. meaning, i'll be hanging out in phase iv a lot. 

3) i'm in love with my friends from OC, too. 

now that i've been there, seeing how things are different this year, i think i like it. i remember what is keeping me at OC, and that is relationships. if it wasn't for these relationships i have with people, i would have transferred long ago. me and carla and meagan and molly had a talk about rush, and how excited we were for it, and how much fun club is going to be this year. i'm getting so excited!!! it's going to be a fun year, and i'm glad i didn't give up on it.

OC, i'm giving you another chance. this doesn't make up for all the ways you've done me wrong, but i'm giving myself an attitude adjustment. 

don't blow it.