know that i've seen it all before, i ain't gonna be your fool anymore.

well. everything's a learning experience. at least he treated me well.

sometimes, i have to just laugh.

things are looking up, but not the way i thought they would. which is why i love the Lord so much...He totally rocks your world in ways you never expected. there is so much potential in the next year, and i'm ready to feel like myself again. so bring it on. i'm not scared. i'm so ready. buh-ring it.

without your love, i'll never find my way back home.

oh wow, recent posts. melodramatic much?

in case you were wondering, i'm doing MUCH better. i mean...MUCH MUCH MUCH better. the last post was just...desperate almost...so rest assured knowing that i didn't confess my undying love to the one i was going to confess it to. thank goodness. that would have made things...who even knows. really awful. i am so thankful for the peace i was given through all of this...it kept me from making impulsive decisions and making things worse. i love it when He saves me from myself.

anyway. in other news.

the jungle book is almost over, and i'm pretty happy about that. i mean, not that it hasn't been an absolute blast, but it's just finals week and i'm exhausted and ready to go home. this play has been an incredible blessing for so many reasons. sooooooo much fun.

God is good.

chasing a lost cause

this may be a mistake. this may be the biggest mistake i could make in this situation. but i have to get this out there. i must be honest about this.

since when is it so heart-wrenching to tell the truth?

there's no 'easy fix'. there will be no ultimatum. i don't even want him to talk. i just want to tell him everything...it's too much for me to carry. it involves him. he has to know.

oh, God.

i feel like i'm in the 7th grade.

she may turn around

things are turning around. 

it's incredible what gets accomplished when you stop trying to control everything and put all your trust and faith in the Father. it's funny that before this, i haven't seen this storm in my life as a trust issue. 

for the longest time, i was blaming all of it on people; it was patrick's fault that i was broken-hearted, it was ian's fault i was afraid of commitment, it was neil arter's fault that i had no outlet for my music, it was OC's theatre department's fault that i'm never on stage, etc. etc. 

after a lot of soul-searching and talking it out, i realized that the root of my problem was that i wasn't trusting God to take care of me. i was trying to control every little thing in my life so that it would go my way, when God's plan was completely different than anything i could have planned. i kept looking and looking for what the problem was, and i couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. i didn't know what to pray for. through talking with people (namely amanda peery), it came to my attention that it was a trust issue. this new discovery has changed everything. now that i had figured out the cause for my grief, i began to look for God in every aspect of this new and scary chapter in my life. and i couldn't find Him. i looked and looked and looked, but He was nowhere that i was looking. i looked in all the usual places where He usually is, but He wasn't there. 

it wasn't until i was at the 8th rock bottom i've hit in the last 3 months that He found me. once i was quiet and still and stopped trying to control everything that He became 'present' to me (rather, i began noticing that He was there the whole time). the way He has tied up loose ends and brought about healing is like nothing i would have planned for myself. 

i've always said of the storms in my life "the only way i know God is working in this situation is that i have NO idea what's happening", and that sentiment could not be more true in this case. God and His peace found me where i was - absolutely and completely broken in two - and gave me the strength and courage to act. to initiate. to be humble in His sight, and in the sight of people whose opinions of me have hitherto shaped my attitude and purpose. He gave me the insight to accept the end of some things, the peace to let go, the humility to let Him put my heart back together. 

you see, i had given a big part of my heart away to somebody a long time ago. i gave it freely and unselfishly. therefore, there has been an emptiness in me for a long time, as the love i had given away was never sufficiently reciprocated. my pride has kept me from asking for that part of my heart back for a long time. in His divine perfection, God has provided incredible strength and opportunity to ask for that portion of my soul that was given away. this piece of me; this love that has defined me for so long, is not his anymore. who better to give it to for healing than to The One who knew me before i was made? The One who knew me in my mother's arms, The One who called my name? The One who has made a crown for me; who knows my words before they are written? The One who wears my clothes as i wear them? The One who has a design to what He did and said? 

so i have given our Lord what has been rightfully His since my birth. i gave back that part of me that i thought was better off in the hands of a man, and it has been the most terrifying thing of my life. but God is faithful. His perfect hands are holding my heart while it heals; He is gently and perfectly bandaging the lies, He tenderly stitches up the holes that occurred from months of silence, He softly removes the thorns of insincerity and insecurity and selfishness that have for so long been present, planting in their place seeds of forgiveness. 

He is faithful. He is perfect. His grace is sufficient. He is the Best Man. and i trust Him.

maybe i was born to hold you in these arms...

...or maybe i wasn't.

bittersweet. 

i'm a closure girl, so the closure you've given me is fantastic. i now can finally (and by finally, i mean FINALLY...i mean seriously...FINALLY) begin the healing process. 

no, it wasn't really the ideal answer, but it was an answer nonetheless. 

now that the healing's begun, i'm excited to move on. 

i'm sure i'll fall out of love with you sooner or later. maybe i can even be your friend. 

after all, i have missed you.

i get so jealous i can't even work

fact: i check postsecret every sunday morning to read the updated secrets. 

fact: every week, i see at least one that could be applied to me and i wonder if he sends them. 

i don't know if that would make it harder or easier.

hey when she sings, when she sings, when she sings like she runs

so i'm still stuck in my strange rut. i think i'm well on my way to finally being able to climb out, which i'm excited about, but it's just a matter of getting there. 

one of the people i'd been avoiding/had been avoiding me finally talked to me last night, after more than 3 months of not talking at all. let's call him...jake. basically i'd been pestering jake to talk to me since we'd gotten back to school after our relationship came to a screeching halt in june. jake told me i need to move on and stop thinking about him. see, i still would love to be with jake, but jake thinks he is unworthy, which wasn't a good enough reason for me to not be together. but as it turns out, jake was right. i need to stop thinking about him and wishing i could be with him, because he is unworthy. 

which sucks.

so i gave myself a goal, with the help of catherine on skype: i'm giving myself 24 hours to feel sorry for myself, and then i need to get over it and move on. so, i have until 12:15 tomorrow morning to whine about it, and then i need to be finished. i've been in a generally good mood all day, so that shouldn't be too hard. while i am sad that things didn't work out the way i really, really wanted them to, that's one less things to be thinking about all the time. i blocked him on ichat (i know, right? it's so 7th grade!), and i deleted his number in my phone. i'm feeling pretty good about it, it was always just hanging over my head because it never reached a definite end. now that it has, i have enough closure to move on.

i hope. 

moving on (metaphorically speaking), our very own catherine marie shepherd got skype. finally. which means that i can now see her pretty face basically any time i want to. it has been such a big blessing to be able to video chat with alex basically every night, and i'm excited to be able to do the same with catherine. these girls are really incredible, and i am so thankful for everything they are. they make me hopeful for who i can be, and they motivate me to be more compassionate and selfless. i appreciate so much their hearts, and the fact that they found enough room in them for me. 

after my hellish first week of school, i was very prepared for the weekend. on saturday, kayla and i headed down to norman to have lunch with brogan and hang with her for a little bit. that was a fantastic visit; i'm so thankful for brogan's amazing and beautiful spirit. she will change the world someday, i think. 

then on sunday, some of our friends from OSU came to edmond to hang out with us. this weekend was absolutely a blessing from God Himself. i've been trying to wean myself off of camp relationships so it'd be easier for me to settle in at OC, and it has been very hard. i am so thankful for my camp family. they keep me sane, and they remind me what my life should be all about; loving people.

God is really working on me, friends. i know His hand is in everything that's going on in my life, and i am comforted in that fact. it's so easy for me to see it as the 's*** hitting the fan', as i have been, but i need to trust more in God and His timing. He will make all things beautiful; He will make all this beautiful in His time. although i hit rock-bottom daily, i still struggle to let Him lift me up. i truly covet your prayers for me and my heart. i pray i do not become more calloused and pessimistic as i currently am, and that the sun comes out in my heart.