i tried to write this song before, but had no one to write it for

every time i look at this blog, i hate it more.

i just wish i was a better writer. i feel this same way about music, too. actually, i mostly feel this way about music. i'm afraid to start writing music, because i feel like every artist goes through a stage that i like to affectionately call the "this-is-my-early-stuff-and-it's-not-that-good, but-now-i'm-over-that-and-i-write-good-music" stage. it can even be further expanded to "i-don't-ever-really-talk-about-these-songs-or-play-them, they-were-just-my-learning-experience". growing pains. see, a lot of artists get through that stage early. ideally, i would have liked to go through that stage when i was 17 or 18, and it wouldn't have really distracted anyone from my super awkwardness. but like...if i go through it now, when i have a lot more friends, it'll be embarrassing. 

the biggest reason i don't write music though, is that i really don't think i have anything interesting to say. well, maybe some things are mildly interesting, but i'm not good at saying them interestingly. i feel like everything i have to say has already been said. what's more, i feel like everything i have to say has already been said in a more interesting way than i ever could have said it. so, why try to fix what's not broken? the whole thing seems so daunting to me. because i've been spoiled by such wonderful singer/songwriters (patty griffin, sufjan stevens, thom yorke, dave matthews, karen peris, sam beam, just to name a few), i feel like what i write is puny and stupid. not to mention having to write great lyrics and a great melody and a great chord progression, etc. i just want it to be simple. and people tell me it is, but i want it to be simple to me. 

so, until then, i remain an illegitimate musician. until then, i will forever introduce songs by saying "and here's another one i didn't write..." and people will laugh and i will laugh, but i'll feel a small pang of disappointment. it's not that i feel like i have so much inside me that i need to get out. 

that's just it. i don't. and that's weird. right?

both of His hands are equally skilled.

i hate myself on this blog. i'm just not meant to be witty or clever on this thing. 

that being said, i love the way God is working. which just makes it easier, doesn't it?

anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their mind

maybe i am.

my capacity for loving people (or occasional lack thereof) will forever and ever be a mystery to me.

i hate that there must be casualties along the way. 

i know God's trying to get my attention. He's trying to tell me something. 

i'm listening. 

to change the world, you start with one step

i want to change the world.

i always thought that the people to change world would be those who have their own world together. then, they would somehow impose their 'perfect' world upon all of us, and viola! their way would automatically be better, and we would all have no choice but to trade our imperfect existance in for a glossy, sweet-smelling universe. there are a few people i have in mind when i think about this.

amanda peery.

annie carter.

brianna gaither.

cara blakemore.

then, i remember that they can't change the world. it's impossible and unrealistic to think that they can.

but they've changed mine.

i think that's enough.

see, it's not about doing big, big things.
dreaming impossible dreams.
solving impossible problems.
sharing impossible news.

it's about the little things.
like loving impossible people.
forgiving impossible shortcomings.
hoping for impossible outcomes.
possessing impossible joy.
patience.
peace.
grace.

it's all of these small, seemingly insignificant things that have the power to turn a bad day into a good day. a day without purpose into a day with assurance. they can give someone who feels as insignificant and invisible as a young shepherd boy the courage to defeat a giant. someone with a past as vulgar and dirty as her reputation as a prostitute now possess the honor and dignity of being listed in the family history of Jesus Christ Himself.

so, maybe one person can change the world. and has. by doing little, insignificant things, Jesus Christ offers us His world as an alternative to our own. He calls us each day to leave our own little comfortable, cozy, unbelievably corrupt worlds and join His. we have this choice each day. each day.

but how many times do we say to Christ,
"sorry, big guy. i really need this today. tomorrow, maybe."

or,

"i just can't change this about myself today. but keep those blessings coming."

or,

"i want Your world today, really i do. but i don't have the courage to fully take it on today. so instead of asking for it, i'll just hold on to the security blanket of mine."

or even,

"You couldn't possibly want me today. there's no way. i'll keep this guilt for myself today."

we must all make the decision daily to abandon our world and everything in it, and jump uninhibited into the universe of our Creator.

He's already changed the world.

is it good enough for you today?

every time you close your eyes (lies, lies)

LIFE.

the only thing i'm disappointed in currently is that i have no food in my stomach. other than that, i'm the happiest i've been in a while. many things could be contributing factors to this joy. here's some:

• today, i went with nate weger to buy "dark was the night", a compilation of 31 songs from our favorite indie artists/bands, including bon iver, sufjan, feist, iron & wine, grizzly bear, beirut, the arcade fire, andrew bird, and many more. it is SUPERB. i cannot stop listening to it. this could be contributing to my insatiable hunger...i refuse to get up and get food until it's done.
• a decision has been made about this summer, and i'm officially working at camp! i couldn't be more overjoyed about this decision...i'm so glad i could finally give up on something that most likely wouldn't have given me true happiness. i can't wait!!
• spring sing is going super well...i'm so proud of our girls! meagan is doing a stand-up job and i'm proud to be a nerd!
• i've begun to journal (almost) daily, which has been an awesome opportunity for some serious catharsis. dr. huddleston is letting us do a daily journal for 30 days as one of our extra-credit assignments for our drama ministry class. i wish i kept up with it every day, but thus far, it's proving to be very beneficial for me.

there are a million other blessings happening all the time that i often take for granted, but it's times like this when i truly appreciate the valleys that God pulls me out of. that idea is so cliche and overdone, but there's a reason for that, obviously. i can't wait to see how He is going to work through my life and use me to bless those i know and love, and those i've yet to meet.

i pray that the mystery of Christ remains a mystery. i pray that i continue to see it as something i'll never figure out...that i'll stop trying to figure God out. i pray that i trust Him enough to provide, with or without my consent. amen.

know that i've seen it all before, i ain't gonna be your fool anymore.

well. everything's a learning experience. at least he treated me well.

sometimes, i have to just laugh.

things are looking up, but not the way i thought they would. which is why i love the Lord so much...He totally rocks your world in ways you never expected. there is so much potential in the next year, and i'm ready to feel like myself again. so bring it on. i'm not scared. i'm so ready. buh-ring it.

without your love, i'll never find my way back home.

oh wow, recent posts. melodramatic much?

in case you were wondering, i'm doing MUCH better. i mean...MUCH MUCH MUCH better. the last post was just...desperate almost...so rest assured knowing that i didn't confess my undying love to the one i was going to confess it to. thank goodness. that would have made things...who even knows. really awful. i am so thankful for the peace i was given through all of this...it kept me from making impulsive decisions and making things worse. i love it when He saves me from myself.

anyway. in other news.

the jungle book is almost over, and i'm pretty happy about that. i mean, not that it hasn't been an absolute blast, but it's just finals week and i'm exhausted and ready to go home. this play has been an incredible blessing for so many reasons. sooooooo much fun.

God is good.